Friday, April 30, 2010

[axe]ing a few questions

if you've been reading this blog for a while, you're familiar with my love/hate relationship with "axe" body wash. if that last statement confuses you, please read this. once again this product has caused me to question my thoughts on society, humanity, social norms, and life itself.

this weekend, my allergies kicked into high gear for a second time this season, and i found myself at the pharmacy looking for the ultimate decongestant to help rid myself from the hay fever induced haze i was in. finding my fix amid the mural of medicine, i headed to the check out. as i turned by the herbal essence, and headed through the deodorants, something caught my eye. staring at me from behind it's plexiglass protection was the "axe" body wash! that's correct! the "axe" body wash was behind lock and key!

*mind blown*

why on earth would "axe" be locked up! what made it so special and important! why was it necessary to find an attendant in order to purchase "axe", while my very own, "old spice", was left sitting sad and lonely on the bottom shelf. i was beyond baffled and slightly pissed. i paid for my pills, went home, and naturally did what any inquisitive 21st century mind does...i "googled" it.

this was a mistake as it only led me further into confusion. unable to find out exactly why "axe" body wash might be locked up, google led me to pages of articles and videos of a new trend. apparently the latest thrill for the american teen-aged male, is to spray ones self with axe body spray and light yourself on fire.

"really", you ask?


at this point, the claritin had kicked in, and i was thinking clearly, which just furthered the problem. let's take a minute here and ask the youth of our nation a few questions shall we? first of all, why would you purposely light yourself on fire? fire burns, and it will hurt you. there is an entire career out there whose sole purpose is to fight fire, their called fire fighters. next, i can understand the you're looking for a thrill, but why fire? if you want to experience something really scary, here's what you do, take a calculus class. by FAR the scariest thing i've ever done in my life. it's no wonder other countries are beating us at math. their youth are learning triple integrals and you're singeing off arm hair. also, and let me be clear, i am in no way in support of any of this, but if it really is your goal to light yourself on fire, film it, and post it on youtube, please, at the very least, use a tripod, no more shaky camera work, a little bit of professionalism can go a long way. also, here's an idea, instead of having some random guy light himself on fire, why not work it into a script? get a little character development going on, a back story, let the audience know exactly how stupid this guy is and why he might be lighting himself on fire. as an added benefit, you'd be working on your writing skills! another area america happens to be behind in. finally, and possibly most confusing. why are you using "axe"? there's got to be a generic brand of that stuff somewhere, considerably cheaper. save your pennies. look on the side of the bottle, i guarantee you, it's got the same hair singeing ingredients as the expensive stuff.

so...once again axe, you have baffled the mind...and in you're own way, reminded me, i'm not a kid anymore, so for that, i thank you. i'd write more, but "the golden girls" is on tv right now, and i really want to catch this episode.


Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Great story!

Helen E said...

In reading that second-to-last (penultimate, if you want to get fancy) paragraph, it was as though I was being treated to some Wittman stand up here in the Chi. Well done, darlin.

PS-Because she loves you, fate made the Google Word Verification "zings." Dig it.